i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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