Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
