This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She told me I should be a condom model.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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