I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
