dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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