You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
