If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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