I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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