if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
