Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
