I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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