My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
