At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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