Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
