I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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