Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
