i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
