Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
