WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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