We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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