He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
