I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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