I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize