im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
