I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
