I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize