ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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