He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
is wine microwaveable?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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