I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
