respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
