Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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