Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
