Someone shit on the floor
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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