i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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