Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
