I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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