You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
