hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
