guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
