Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
