Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
