I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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