Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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