You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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