Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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