Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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