you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
