Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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