oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Randomize
