peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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