I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
