Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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