i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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