remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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