im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
