you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
