I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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