belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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