Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
