I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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