I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
