Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize