I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize