The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
